Go ahead and ask!

Daring to pray our greatest desires

Back for the third time, another guest post by my dad, with a response from me at the end. Enjoy!

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I have the privilege again of writing a post on my daughter’s Substack. Bethany kindly tells me that I can write on any topic that grips my heart. But the fact is, I cannot shake the recent 4-part series Bethany did on the question Jesus asks: What do you want?

It is a compelling topic that can stir us to dream again. Yes! All things are possible with God. Go for it! But it’s also a scary topic that can make us feel quite vulnerable. What if those desires and dreams are not fulfilled? Can I take the risk of another disappointment?

For example, my desire to live many years in retirement and to be “loose change in God’s pocket” (my mission statement), is being severely tested. For almost two years, I have faced an aggressive and rare form of metastatic thyroid cancer. I have found that when the medical odds are stacked against me, it takes considerable courage to hope with a full heart. And it’s definitely scary to pray for a miracle. It can feel foolish and naive, with a little voice inside saying, “Who do you think you are?”

Yet with the encouragement of many others, I’ve decided to do it anyway. Do what? I am praying for the miracle of complete healing, or at least an extended life, and the grace to live an abundant life every day. I am praying BIG. Not because I am more deserving or special than anyone else, or necessarily have greater faith, or that I am better at praying. I actually struggle greatly with prayer. None of the above! So why do I pray in this way?

First, let me back up. I have talked with many people through the years who say, “I don’t pray for myself. With so many huge problems in the world, I would feel selfish, or even petty.” Or people may feel reluctant to pray because they’re afraid of not doing it right. Or they’re afraid to pray for something that might be outside God’s will. In other words, they say, “Aren’t we better off just leaving it all with God, and getting on with life the best we can? I mean, be realistic.”

But in the name of realism or self-protection, we can stop hoping and praying. Dreams go underground. We can steadily give in to the fear of disappointment. We resign ourselves to the way things are because it’s safer than acknowledging our desires. When this tendency shows up in my thinking, I’m learning that it is not healthy acceptance, but more like passive resignation or low grade discouragement.

Like the guy who went to a fortune teller to find out about his future and was told, “You will be miserable until the age of 40.” “What then?” he asked. “You will get used to it.”

I find it helpful to ask myself where I have gotten “used to it.” Not with a positive kind of contentment, but with quiet despair or dormant desires. What would it look like to excavate those dreams and dare to pray them?

Well, first of all, it’s true we may have desires which are not in accord with God’s plan. But surely the best way to find that out is to pray them! God is a good and gracious Editor. C.S. Lewis said, “It is no use asking God with great earnestness for A when our whole mind is filled with the desire for B. We must lay before God what is in us, not what ought to be in us.” The mere act of praying our desires and bringing them into the LIGHT can give clarity and realignment.

For me, the important thing is that I’m talking to God about it. I’m engaged. There is conversation. I don’t know that I will be completely healed this side of heaven. It’s definitely unrealistic by natural odds. But I cannot back down. I cannot shake the honest feeling that I WANT to be healed! And here’s the thing: I have come to believe that God can take the raw material of my desires and prayers – even though they are less than perfect – and weave them into his will and plan. But NOT if those desires are unexpressed.

And if I’m tempted to shut down from praying my desires, I’m haunted by the direct words of James 4:2 in the King James Version, “You have not, because you ask not.” Wow! Is it possible that there are blessings God would bestow, except we don’t ask? No wonder F. B. Meyer has said that “The greatest tragedy in life is not unanswered prayer, but unoffered prayer.”

In sports, it’s one thing to lose a game because the other team beat you. But to lose by forfeiting is the worst. It means we lose by not showing up. I don’t want to forfeit any blessing God might want to give by being realistic, or because I am afraid of disappointment.

So, here’s the really BIG reason I am encouraged to pray my desires: very simply, the nature of who God is as revealed through Jesus. God is a good and generous Father who likes it when we ask. It’s all about relationship and trust.

In fact, in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:7, Jesus seems to encourage us as adults to act more childlike. He says, “Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”

I don’t believe this means that all of our prayers will be answered exactly as we pray them. But what Jesus does promise is that in some way, at some level, we WILL receive, we WILL find, and doors WILL be opened. That’s a door I want to walk through!

Then in a climactic statement Jesus says, “If you (parents) then, even though you are evil (hyperbole for less than perfect) know how to give good gifts to your children, HOW MUCH MORE will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ASK him.” How much more. That’s divine logic on fire!

It is the goodness and generosity of God that beckons me to pray my desires (even if they aren’t perfect) and to ask for big things—which best I can tell—are aligned with God’s will and help me to be loose change in God’s pocket. St. Teresa of Avila blew my mind when she said, “You pay God a compliment by asking great things of him.” Wow! I love the idea of complimenting God.

And then I recalled that several years ago a friend came to our house and said to my wife, “I am ravenous! Could you please fix me a sandwich?” Now this was a good friend, not simply an acquaintance. But even so, both of us were a little taken aback by such a strong forward request. She did make the sandwich. But later, as we reflected on it, we agreed. The fact that our friend could ask so boldly, even for just a sandwich, was an indication of how comfortable he felt with us. There was trust and therefore the freedom to ask. We both went from feeling annoyed to feeling affirmed!

We can also think about it in the opposite direction. When we’re uncomfortable with someone or don’t know them very well, we don’t usually ask for anything. We would never want to impose. The quality of the relationship cannot sustain it. But where there is love and trust and understanding, we do feel the freedom to ask and sometimes do so extravagantly. It’s a compliment to the relationship.

So I wonder, could it be this way with God? Perhaps God is pleased with bold requests because they show confidence in his goodness? John Newton, the converted slave trader who wrote “Amazing Grace,” wrote this line in a different hymn: “You are coming to a King, large petitions to him bring. Because his grace and power are such, you cannot ask too much!”

So, yes, I pray for a miracle of healing. Or perhaps I should say, I pray for miracle(s) of healing, because there are so many acts of God’s grace along the way. As best I know myself, I am humbly prepared if my big prayer is not answered exactly as I prayed it. But meanwhile, I try to act like someone who prays for miracles and expects them.

This means I try to curb worrisome thoughts before they gain traction. I monitor pessimistic speech. I seek to practice God’s presence and to look for God’s mercies which are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22). When I get tough medical news, I try to stop and pray and lean into the power of hope.

For example, on New Year’s Eve, I got tough news from my blood test, another very high reading. I messaged my medical oncologist with a couple of direct questions.

I also decided to take the risk to say some sincere words of appreciation for his care and to express to him my faith and hope for the new year. (I don’t know anything about my doctor’s religious background.)

If you are familiar with a patient portal, there are guidelines which basically say to allow 1-2 business days for a response from your medical provider. Well, this was Wednesday afternoon on New Year’s Eve at 4:04 pm, and I certainly didn’t expect a response until Friday, January 2nd, at the earliest.

This was the last part of my message: “Finally, I greatly appreciate you as my doctor and the conscientious way you have “worried” over me in the past year. I hope you find great meaning and joy in the work you do, because it is very good work, and you deserve the inward satisfaction that comes from using your God-given gifts every day. I realize you treat people with grave diseases, including me. But with your help I hope to hold my own in the coming year, and to improve in ways that are truly remarkable and stunning. Can you say, “Amen?” Happy New Year! Gratefully, Steve.”

I closed my computer with a good feeling for what I had written and not expecting a response until the new year. But 9 minutes later, my doctor wrote back: “You are on my list of people to call today. I hope to speak with you shortly.”

He signed it “Sincerely,” and then right below his name, ended with the word, “Amen.”

That one word was the grand highlight of my New Year’s Eve celebration. “Amen!” which means, “Let it be so!”

A Spiritual Practice:

Where have you gotten “used to it?” Where have you found quiet despair or dormant desires? What would it look like to talk to God about these dreams?

I (Bethany) struggle with the verse in Matthew about God giving good gifts. Such generosity doesn’t feel believable in the face of grief or fear. But over time, I’ve come to see this self-protective disbelief as an invitation to examine my understanding of God and ask God to change my perception.

When I’m feeling unsafe or timid, it’s been helpful for me to begin my prayer by calling to mind a trusted friend or community. Someone who, like the story my dad told, I would feel comfortable asking to make me a sandwich. Someone around whom I never have to tiptoe or worry that I’m inconveniencing. I then thank God for this person in my life. I think expressing my gratitude helps me associate the idea and feeling of safety with God. This connection reminds my nervous system that this friend is a manifestation of God’s love in my life. With this image of Love in my head and more importantly, in my body, I then begin to pray. It is so much easier to ask for my heart’s desires from this rooted place of love and safety.

Can I get an Amen?!